Winn Schott Jr Is Not Straight
by Lillyflower01
Summary: Winn comes out to his friends and realizes the world isn't as scary or as homophobic as he thought (and his friends are a lot gayer than he knew)


Coming out to Kara was easy.

Okay, that wasn't 100% true.

She was very accepting and managed to wipe away Winn's nervousness with a soothing smile. But the points leading up to telling her, that was less easy.

Winn had always struggled with his sexuality. He had spent years laying awake at night, wondering how he could possibly have feelings for that girl in math class, yet also have the same emotions come up when the boy from english made eye contact with him. Throughout all of high school he was constantly changing his mind, one day deciding he was straight only to realize that perhaps he was gay the next day.

Not that he ever said any of this out loud.

He never had many friends he could confide in about this sort of stuff, and telling his dad was definitley off the table. He was scary enough without being disappointed in his son's possible gayness.

It wasn't until Winn was in his twenties that he found the term bi. The relief he felt when he realized there was a term that fit him, that he wasn't just confused, was over whelming. He wanted nothing more than to be able to call someone else and scream "I'm normal! I'm not a freak like I thought!" But there was no one who would understand. Because even if he knew he wasn't a freak, what if everyone else thought he was.

And even when Winn found friends he could tell, a part of him held him back. Every time Winn got close to saying anything, all he had to do was remind himself of all the insults during high school and he was biting his tongue again.

But he hardly ever got close to saying anything. While he would love to tell Kara and James, it never felt like the right moment. He was almost positive they would accept him, he had never heard them say anything even remotely homophobic, but the everlasting fear was always there.

The day he came out to Kara-to anyone-is an accident...Sort of.

They were cuddled up on Kara's couch, marathoning Harry Potter and stuffing their mouths full of buttery popcorn.

"Tom Felton is totally boyfriend material," Kara whispered, more to herself than to Winn.

"Totally," muttered Winn without really thinking about it.

For a moment the world felt like it had stopped. Winn held his breath, his eyes nearly bulging out of his head. How could he have been so stupid? He had been so careful, how could he ruin it all now?

"I'm not gay," he blurted, not able to think of anything else in his panic.

But Kara just laughed, her eyes sparkling happily. "I figured you were joking."

"Oh." Winn almost felt disappointed. As terrifying as the thought of coming out was, it would be a relief for someone to know. So, swallowing his fear, Winn whispered out, "I'm not straight either."

"Neither is Harry Potter," said Kara through a mouthful of popcorn. "That boy is definitley bi."

Winn's mouth suddenly felt as if it was full of cotton, his tongue feeling twice as large as it should. His brain felt like it was short circuiting. The moment had finally come and he had no idea what to do. His instincts told him to laugh it off and continue on, ignoring this moment for the rest of his life. But he pushed that away, forcing himself to think of some response.

"I-Um-Yea-Yeah. Me too," he mumbled.

Kara didn't respond right away, and for a moment Winn was worried he had made a mistake. But then Kara was nodding slowly and cuddling closer to Winn.

"Me too," she whispered.

Winn buried his head in Kara's shoulder as he felt a surge of hot tears flood his eyes. He didn't say anything, too focused on keeping the stupid tears at bay to think of something. Whether or not Kara knew about the silent tears threatening to spill over, Winn didn't know. He almost didn't care.

He knew Kara wouldn't care if he did burst into tears, but crying really wasn't something he wanted to deal with at that moment. He just didn't want this to be a big deal. He wanted to be able to say his coming out wasn't some emotional rollercoaster. But it was. It might just be the biggest rollercoaster of his entire life.

"I love you," whispered Winn. "You're my best friend."

"Right back at ya, you big nerd," Kara said teasingly.

Maybe a rollercoaster was okay.

[][][]

Telling James was a whole other story.

Kara had promised not to tell anyone, but Winn couldn't help but feel paranoid that James somehow knew. James had always had that impression on him. Every time Winn looked into James' eyes he felt as if the taller boy somehow knew each and every one of his deepest, darkest secrets. Which was, of course, ridiculous. But maybe it was part of the reason why Winn tried so hard to avoid him after they first met. It just made Winn so uncomfortable. The thought of someone being able to see right through him was maybe the most terrifying thing Winn could think of (And coming from someone who's friends with Supergirl, he could think of a lot of terrifying things).

Over time he had gotten used to the feeling of being see through, managing to push the paranoia to the back of his mind. It didn't take long for James to win his friendship, with all his warm smiles and soft words. It made Winn feel safe in a way entirely different from the way Kara made him feel safe. Not that Kara didn't make him feel safe. But James was someone who immediately made you feel like you were a friend. Which would be why Winn couldn't avoid James. As terrifying as he originally was, Winn had to admit he did immediately feel welcomed. Sure, he felt like all his secrets were being exposed to the world, but he felt welcomed.

"I think I'm gonna tell him."

Winn stumbled as he whipped around, his panicked eyes searching for Kara. It didn't take long to find her, offering him a small smile from across the room.

"Wh-What?" Winn choked out, glancing around the room for anyone who could be listening, despite the already obvious fact that they were alone.

"James," Kara said. Then, after realizing what Winn must be thinking, she hurriedly added, "I won't out you. I just...I feel bad. Like I'm hiding something from him."

"I know what you mean," whispered Winn. He had spent the majority of his life feeling that way.

"I'll tell him tonight," Kara said decisively. Then, as if they hadn't just been talking about it, "That I'm pan."

Winn nodded quietly, his mind running a million miles a minute. If Kara told James she was pan, did that mean he had to tell James he was bi? That's not how these things worked, right?

"I'm sure he won't mind," Winn found himself saying. And though it seemed to reassure Kara, it couldn't calm Winn's racing mind.

Winn half expected to tell James when Kara did, to have a sudden burst of bravery and finally be free of the anxiety that curled at the pit of his stomach.

But he didn't.

Instead he found himself smiling through the whole thing, pretending like his words weren't somehow trapped in his throat and playing on the tip of his tongue at the same time. But he could never vocalize them. So he went home still feeling as alone as ever, guilt eating away at him at a rate faster than he could've imagined.

He couldn't explain why the guilt was so bad. It almost felt like he was purposefully hiding from James now. Before he could've chalked it up to the fact that it had never come up before, but now that it /had/ come up, there was no excuse for Winn's silence.

It was thoughts like these that held him captive from sleep. No matter how heavy his eyelids got, the sickness in his stomach was enough to keep him staring blankly at the darkness ahead of him. There was so much of it, the darkness, it almost felt suffocating. It was all he could see and Winn was positive that if he tried to move at all, the darkness would keep him trapped in place.

But eventually he did move. At nearly 3 AM, when he grabbed his phone off the nightstand and scrolled through his contact list.

Each ring was torture to Winn's ears, and the only thing that kept him from backing out was pure exhaustion and three cups of coffee.

"Winn?" James' voice was groggy and tired, and perhaps a little annoyed at being awoken at such an ungodly hour. "Is everything okay?"

"It's the darkness, James!" blurted Winn. "It's keeping me frozen!"

For a second everything was so quiet, Winn could've heard a pin drop...if there were any pins to drop. Then, from the phone, "What?"

"I..." The words died on Winn's tongue. What was he thinking? How could he do this, and now of all times‽ "I can't sleep."

"There are pills for that, ya know," James grumbled.

"I...I know..."

"So?"

"What?"

"Why did you call?"

Winn wanted to kick himself. Of course that excuse wouldn't work. He doubted any excuse would.

He supposed the only option was to tell the truth.

Each breath he took was like tiny daggers shooting into his lungs, screaming at him to stay silent. Each time he opened his mouth it was like someone had glued his tongue to the bottom of his mouth. Each time he tried to talk it was as if his throat was slowly closing up, his vocal chords being slowly severed with a wire.

"Winn?"

Winn just needed a few more moments. Just a few more.

"You still there?"

He just needed to calm his pounding heart. He just needed to be in a place where he could actually speak.

"Winn?"

Shit, he was going to leave.

"Wi-"

"I'm bi!"

Winn didn't think there had ever been a silence more terrifying.

"So you, me and, Kara are like the three bisexual musketeers?"

"Technically Kara's pan," Winn said, feeling lightheaded.

"Right."

"So you're not upset I didn't tell you?" Winn's voice sounded small to his own ears.

"I mean, I don't usually appreciate being woken up at a time like three in the morning, but for something as important as this."

"Thank you," Winn choked the words out, thankful James wasn't here to see the way Winn had to blink furiously to keep the tears at bay.

"Of course."

"Okay," whispered Winn. "I think...I think I can sleep now."

[][][]

The third time Winn comes out, he's the one doing the comforting.

Since telling James, his guilt about keeping his sexuality quiet had lessened. The two most important people in his life knew and accepted him, and as far as Winn was concerned, that was enough. It still wasn't something he was open about, but the crushing guilt of keeping it to himself had disappeared. He supposed that was at least a step in the right direction.

Despite the fact that he no longer felt the need to tell someone, the thought of Alex finding out still terrified him. Not that he thought she would think any less of him, she was just so intimidating, the thought of telling her just about anything was frightening.

It was all irrational. He knew that, of course he did.

He loved Alex like a sister, he knew she wouldn't think any less of him just because he tended to lean more towards guys. But no matter how comfortable he was with himself, her tough demeanor would never fail to remind him of the kids in high school. The ones who stood around their lockers all lunch because they were too cool to actually eat. The ones who spray painted the windows and carved their initials into the lockers. The ones who broke Winn's arm under the school bleachers because he stared at the cute guy from english class for too long.

Alex would never do those things, though. She was a badass but she always had good intentions. No matter how tough she got, she was still the same girl who got too tipsy at Kara's Halloween party and declared herself "Lord of the Small Cats". Maybe that was the only reason she hadn't managed to scare Winn off yet. Even if she was tough as nails, she was also one of the most kindhearted people Winn had ever met.

Not that he would ever tell her that.

Not even if he had accidentally walked in on her sobbing her eyes out. Well, maybe then, but honestly Winn wasn't even sure if it would help. What are you supposed to say to a person like Alex in a moment of weakness?

"Are you alright?" Might as well start with the basics, Winn supposed.

Alex's head snapped up, her breathing catching in her throat and her teary eyes darting around the room for the owner of the voice.

"Winn," she said, rubbing furiously at her eyes. "What-What are you doing here?"

"I...I don't know," Winn answered lamely. "I was on my way back from the bathroom and I just...heard...I saw you here..." he let the words die off his tongue, not quite sure how to continue.

For a moment he stood in silence, fidgeting awkwardly with his hands. Maybe he should leave, maybe people like Alex didn't want people around them when they cried. But no matter how much his mind screamed at him to leave her alone, he couldn't get his feet to move. It was as if someone had stapled them to the ground, forcing Winn to stand there as Alex tried to wipe away any evidence of her tears.

"I'm fine," sniffled Alex, voice wobbling. "Just...stuff..."

"Well do you wanna talk about this stuff?" Winn suggested, an awkward chuckle escaping his lips.

The deafening silence that followed was terrifying. Every breath he took seemed to be too loud, too distracting, too invasive. Alex didn't seem to notice but all Winn could think about was how damn loud his breath was.

Winn was just starting to regret his suggestion when Alex awkwardly gestured for him to sit next to her. And suddenly his feet were able to move as Winn scurried to her side, squishing himself into the corner. The wall made his spine hurt and the concrete floor hurt his ankles, but Winn forced that to the back of his mind as he offered Alex a soft smile.

Alex let her breath out in a loud huff as she let her head fall softly against the wall. "It's...complicated."

"Well good thing I found you then because if there's one person who understands complicated, it's me," joked Winn, hoping it would lighten the mood. Alex chuckled a little, almost pityingly, but he still counted it as a win.

"You know my friend, Maggie?"

Winn's heart started to speed up, his fingertips suddenly feeling as if all the blood had rushed out of them. Was this it? Was this the moment Alex would say something terrifyingly homophobic and Winn would have to lock the closet door forever?

"Uh-huh," he choked out, forcing his head to give a little nod.

"I...I don't see her as...as a friend." Alex spoke her words slowly, as if she were searching for them as she spoke. "I mean I do! But I don't. It's...weird." She paused, as if hoping that would be enough for Winn to understand. When it was clear it wasn't, she continued, "I mean, I think she's great. She's really pretty and funny and nice and a good cop, and she likes pool, and beer! She likes beer! That's always a plus! But anyways, I'm starting to think...I dunno. Maybe it's stupid."

Winn shook his head, almost too afraid to speak.

Alex sighed, running a hand through her hair. "Never mind, it's ridiculous, I'll just go-"

"Heyhey!" Winn blurted, his words spilling out almost faster than even he could understand. "It's not-It's not stupid. Or ridiculous, or whatever...Just-Just sit...sit down. Should I get Kara instead?"

"No!" exclaimed Alex. "No. I'm...not ready to tell her yet. I just need to think it through."

She glanced over at Winn and for a moment, just a moment, Winn could see past her tough girl facade. Their eyes locked together and for Winn It was almost like staring into a mirror. The same fear he had felt for years was being reflected back at him.

The silence was back, as if the fear was holding them hostage. It was taunting them with their voices, giving them a few words, but not enough to coherently tell the other what they needed to know. Winn held his breath this time, not wanting to be too loud.

"I think I like Maggie...as more than a friend," Alex finally said, shattering the silence with her words.

But the fear didn't go away. Alex didn't have to say anything for Winn to know that was going through her mind, to know that she was desperate for a reply. Good, bad, anything. As long as she knew what he was thinking. It was a thought process he was all too familiar with.

"I think you two would make a wonderful couple," Winn said softly. "A wonderful, terrifying, badass couple."

Alex let out a loud bark of laughter as a wave of relief washed the fear away.

"I'm...not straight either," Winn admitted, for once not afraid to look her in the eye as he said it.

[][][]

The fourth time Winn comes out it's more of an accident.

Work had always been a place where Winn kept to himself. As afraid as he was to come out to his friends, accidentally outing himself to an acquaintance at work was perhaps one of his worst fears.

His first job was a crappy pizzeria, a place that made its customers pay too much, yet still payed its workers too little. He smelled like pizza every day, constantly had grease on his hands, and was forced to constantly serve his high school peers shitty pizza. But it wasn't the worst job. He got free pizza slices, got a few extra bucks, and it was a great excuse to get out of the house.

Not that that meant it was any heaven on earth. The kids who came through were rarely anything less than cruel, and even his own coworkers were people to be avoided when he wasn't at work.

At first he had thought it would be a good way to make new friends, but by the third week one of the other boys had broken his nose because he looked "too gay". So it couldn't be a surprise to anyone why Winn was always a little closed off at work.

Kara was the first person he had really ever opened up to, and perhaps the only reason he didn't feel the need to keep to himself once he got to the DEO. The DEO was the only place he had ever worked that didn't feel like a prison. The only place where he had a plethora of friends, and he didn't constantly worry about being judged.

Not that that meant he was planning on coming out there.

Unlike coming the conflict he had always had about coming out to his friends, coming out at work was never a struggle. It was never even a consideration. Work was always a place where he kept to himself, even if he had friends there, and it wasn't that easy of a mindset to change.

And as much as he loved working at the DEO, he always held onto that tiny sliver of fear. The fear that some coworker was going to re-break his nose, or that something would happen to tip his boss off and he would be fired. Again.

But this wasn't that easy of a concept to explain to his friends, especially after J'onn was so accepting of Alex.

"It's different," Winn insisted. "He wouldn't worry about you hitting on him."

"J'onn's not going to think you're hitting on him," Kara said, laughing as if it were ridiculous.

"I don't understand what all the fuss is about," Mon-El said. "On Daxam, being interested in more than one gender was a common occurrence."

"Well here on Earth it's not so common. And people don't tend to like anything weird," Winn huffed, his words perhaps coming out snarkier than he intended.

"You're not weird, Winn," said Alex, a soft sigh escaping her lips.

"I know that," muttered Winn, perhaps more as an excuse to get out of the conversation than to actually tell his friends the truth. He turned away, fiddling anxiously with his keyboard in some desperate attempt to avoid the conversation. He supposed he shouldn't have been surprised to find it didn't work.

"J'onn's not going to hate you, Winn," Alex insisted. "He's a good guy."

Winn's lower lip wormed its way between his teeth, his eyes refusing to move from the computer screen. He sat, frozen, for a couple moments, trying to allow his brain to think of an argument that could convince them. That could prove to them, that it wasn't as easy for him as it was for them.

"I just...I can't loose this job," he finally whispered, clamping his hands on his thighs to stop them from shaking. "I love it here. And I love all of you. I love working with all of you. I can't-I can't risk it."

"But you're not risking anything," insisted Kara. "It's all inside your head-"

"You just don't get it!" blurted Winn. "My entire life has been a series of events telling me to ignore who I was, to push it away! I would love to believe you, but I've had enough people convince me to trust them, only to turn out to be some fucking asshole when they got a glimpse of who I really was."

He squirmed anxiously in his seat, the silence from his friends causing a nasty feeling to fester in his stomach.

"Sorry, I just..." he hesitated, searching desperately for something to say. When he came up blank, he stumbled to his feet and pushed past his friends, muttering out, "I need to go-I'm sorry-I can't be here right now-I-Sorry-"

he threw himself into the first room he could find, slamming the door shut behind him.

Maybe he was being stupid. He knew not everyone would be like those people in the past, he knew someone would accept him. But it was much easier to imagine that person being some faceless person he would meet years from now, maybe at a bar or a concert, not someone he worked with now.

Everyone he met, especially at work, he placed a wall in front of. And over the years he had gotten exceptionally good at it. He was able to connect with people without letting them see certain parts of him. Which, alright, maybe didn't make for terribly good connections, but they were good enough. Even if he was never invited out for drinks, or for game night, he always had someone to talk to on his break.

At least, until now. Now not only was he being invited out for drinks at the local bar (an alien bar at that, what a plus!), but he had a group of friends who he could call up at any time, who he could binge all of Big Bang Theory with, who he was having game night with nearly every other weekend, who he could consider family.

Maybe that was why it was so important to come out.

"Agent Schott! It's time to come out of the closet!"

Winn nearly choked on his own spit, panic rising in his chest. How could they do this to him? He had been positive that even though they didn't completely understand, they understood enough to let him come out on his own terms?

He threw open the door, his eyes burning with uncontrollable anger and hurt.

"Who told you?" he blurted, fighting to keep his voice from shaking. "Was it Kara? No, I bet it was Mon-El. Fuck. And I thought he was getting better at understanding Earth's customs. Can't he understand that I don't have to tell everyone I'm a fag‽ That I don't want to be labeled as the local queer‽ Look, I'm sorry I didn't tell you, J'onn, but it's not fucking okay to out people!"

J'onn waited until he was done, his arms crossed patiently over his chest. "You're standing in the DEO closet, Agent Schott."

Winn felt as if he had been hit with a boulder. "What?"

Glancing around him, he found that the room he had locked himself in was much smaller than he had originally thought. He hadn't noticed in his rush to get away from everybody, but he had in fact closed himself in the nearest physical closet. It was as if the world was playing some crazy, fucked up, ironic, horrible joke on him.

"O-Oh," he whispered, heat slowly creeping over his face. "I-I'm sorry. I didn't-Fuck-I'm really sorry. I'll get back to work now."

"It's not the worst thing to happen here," J'onn waved it off. "I've had worse happen to me than being yelled at by a frightened human."

"I-I'm not scared," Winn insisted, his eyes darting around nervously.

"good," J'onn said, and Winn was thankful he didn't bring up. The obvious fear in his voice. "You have no reason to be."

[][][]

When Winn got to work the next day, he was pleasantly surprised to find a small bi flag sitting on his desk. Next to it was a small note from Kara, Alex, and Mon-El. A smile flickered over his lips as he read over it, warmth filling his chest.

"Winn,

We're sorry about yesterday. But we're so incredibly proud of you for coming out. I hope this is the first step in being able to love this part of you.

Love, Alex, Kara, Mon-El.

P.S. I hope you're happy to find you're no longer bi-yourself."

Most of the letter was written in Alex's handwriting, though the PS at the bottom was clearly in Kara's handwriting, and the sticky note was surrounded in smiley faces that Winn assumed Mon-El drew.

He couldn't keep the grin off his face as he stuck it to the top of his computer. Maybe he didn't have to be so skeptical of everyone. Sure, coming out was an absolutely terrifying experience, but in the end there was no doubt it was worth it.

Despite Kara's awful pun, she was right. Winn was no longer alone and he didn't have to fear coming out anymore. He wouldn't be shouting it from the rooftops, and he was positive he would still be petrified nearly every time he had to open the closet door, but the most important people in his life accepted him.

Winn had always felt a like there was some tiny hole in his heart, due to the fact that he would never have a family to come out to. He never even had a foster family to come out to, as he was being dragged from one home to the other almost too often for him to remember.

But as he stared at the little sticky note on his computer, and the small flag that laid on his desk (he would need to get something to hold it up later), that hole suddenly felt like it had been closed up. Because he had a family after all, and not only did they accept him, they loved him. And Winn couldn't have been more grateful.


End file.
